Please do not take any offense to this, it is all true, but it is a deep part of me that explains a lot of things about my life. Read, comment if you'd like. This is just me.
This is definitely difficult for me to write, the words keep pouring out in my head but sound weird and different on paper, so here it goes:
I miss you. I miss talking to you, hearing your voice. I miss how smart you were and yet you never tried to make me feel stupid. I miss your laugh, your eyes, your smile, you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I asked you to do my work, asked you for help, or for extra attention. My homework could have done itself, my problems solved by someone else.
Now, you hold my secrets inside you, my entire life in your hands.
I wrote a letter out of anger, with words that needed to be read aloud by me to be fully understood. Maybe I shouldn't have given it to you, just talked to you in person. I don't regret what I said, but maybe the way I said it.
My entire life has gone downhill from that very day. I'm sorry I followed you and if I made you feel bad, mad, agitated. I just needed to see you to talk to you.
You are my best friend, forever and always and I will never trust anyone the way I trust (trusted) you. I love you, you are my sister forever, the memories haunt me forever...the happiness that hurts me now, knowing you may never talk to me again.
My eyes are dry from crying just from thinking about you or the sound of your name. I cried for a month, in front of my mother, forced to explain to her the truth for once in my life. She was no help and neither was anyone else. I just wanted our friendship back. My psychiatrist told me that if you were a real friend you would come back to me, but you never did. Still, I never hated you for it, just mad at myself, and mad at you for not accepting my apology.
A month after the event I thought it would get better, I couldn't
cry anymore. I started blocking your name and face from my head. Then one day I walked in the hallway and saw you (after all the days of avoiding you) my world came crashing down. I felt stupid, you weren't an 'ex' just a lost best friend (the only one I ever had). I couldn't wait for the day to end, home did not come soon enough. Locking myself in the bathroom with a small sharp knife and started doing the one thing I swore to myself (and you) that I would never do. Deep breath and my eyes closed I pushed the blade against the skin of my abdomen, the pain was barely bareable but I did it again, this time pushing harder allowing the blood to start flowing. I cried, my tears blocking the view of the blood as the pain pierced my skin and with each drop made me twitch. I felt the blood under me and I knew it was flowing against the bathroom floor, I couldn't allow myself to stop. Just moving over to the other side, and a couple more deep slices I felt oddly reminded of Sweeny Todd. I couldn't die, I hadn't done anything worth dying for, but I needed you in mylife. Life without my best friend wasn't worth it. Throwing the knife accross the bathroom I lay in my own blood as it still shed and bawled, cursing my life for exsisting. The light outside changed from a light yellow to a deep black and I knew my mother would be home soon. Cleaning myself up, wrapping a towel tightly against my waist, washing the floor and the knife (many times) I realized that I was still alive, and you were still gone.
I called your house multiple times, I'm sure your parents hate me...actaully I am quite positive they do. I continued crying for 2 and some more months, and sometimes I still do.
I had a dream some 3 weeks or less ago and to any other person it would have been good. It was you, and me...I walked up, my mouth moved but I couldn't hear what I said. You said something and we hugged, cried, were happy. The dream continued to my wedding, you were my Maid of Honor as I always knew you would be. I woke up crying and screaming, depressed because I knew that that might not ever happen. How many times do I have to say I'm sorry, I know things may never go back to the way they were but I need you in my life. I HAVE NO ONE ELSE. I am alone. I am sorry, Forgive me.
©Rachel Plotkin 2009
This is definitely difficult for me to write, the words keep pouring out in my head but sound weird and different on paper, so here it goes:
I miss you. I miss talking to you, hearing your voice. I miss how smart you were and yet you never tried to make me feel stupid. I miss your laugh, your eyes, your smile, you.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I asked you to do my work, asked you for help, or for extra attention. My homework could have done itself, my problems solved by someone else.
Now, you hold my secrets inside you, my entire life in your hands.
I wrote a letter out of anger, with words that needed to be read aloud by me to be fully understood. Maybe I shouldn't have given it to you, just talked to you in person. I don't regret what I said, but maybe the way I said it.
My entire life has gone downhill from that very day. I'm sorry I followed you and if I made you feel bad, mad, agitated. I just needed to see you to talk to you.
You are my best friend, forever and always and I will never trust anyone the way I trust (trusted) you. I love you, you are my sister forever, the memories haunt me forever...the happiness that hurts me now, knowing you may never talk to me again.
My eyes are dry from crying just from thinking about you or the sound of your name. I cried for a month, in front of my mother, forced to explain to her the truth for once in my life. She was no help and neither was anyone else. I just wanted our friendship back. My psychiatrist told me that if you were a real friend you would come back to me, but you never did. Still, I never hated you for it, just mad at myself, and mad at you for not accepting my apology.
A month after the event I thought it would get better, I couldn't
cry anymore. I started blocking your name and face from my head. Then one day I walked in the hallway and saw you (after all the days of avoiding you) my world came crashing down. I felt stupid, you weren't an 'ex' just a lost best friend (the only one I ever had). I couldn't wait for the day to end, home did not come soon enough. Locking myself in the bathroom with a small sharp knife and started doing the one thing I swore to myself (and you) that I would never do. Deep breath and my eyes closed I pushed the blade against the skin of my abdomen, the pain was barely bareable but I did it again, this time pushing harder allowing the blood to start flowing. I cried, my tears blocking the view of the blood as the pain pierced my skin and with each drop made me twitch. I felt the blood under me and I knew it was flowing against the bathroom floor, I couldn't allow myself to stop. Just moving over to the other side, and a couple more deep slices I felt oddly reminded of Sweeny Todd. I couldn't die, I hadn't done anything worth dying for, but I needed you in mylife. Life without my best friend wasn't worth it. Throwing the knife accross the bathroom I lay in my own blood as it still shed and bawled, cursing my life for exsisting. The light outside changed from a light yellow to a deep black and I knew my mother would be home soon. Cleaning myself up, wrapping a towel tightly against my waist, washing the floor and the knife (many times) I realized that I was still alive, and you were still gone.
I called your house multiple times, I'm sure your parents hate me...actaully I am quite positive they do. I continued crying for 2 and some more months, and sometimes I still do.
I had a dream some 3 weeks or less ago and to any other person it would have been good. It was you, and me...I walked up, my mouth moved but I couldn't hear what I said. You said something and we hugged, cried, were happy. The dream continued to my wedding, you were my Maid of Honor as I always knew you would be. I woke up crying and screaming, depressed because I knew that that might not ever happen. How many times do I have to say I'm sorry, I know things may never go back to the way they were but I need you in my life. I HAVE NO ONE ELSE. I am alone. I am sorry, Forgive me.
©Rachel Plotkin 2009
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